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You are here: Home / All Posts / What wise pastors are thinking while they listen

What wise pastors are thinking while they listen

July 21, 2016 by Sam Hodges with Kathy Leonard

A church member or counselee sits down with his pastor. He opens his mouth to share his burdens and struggles. So, what thoughts are going through the wise pastor’s head as the person begins to speak?

He’s thinking …

1. I’ll give a better response if I listen first

Wise pastors know the more information they gather from a person, the better response they’ll be able to give. When we listen, we’re better able to understand what a person truly needs. And we have to listen in order to know what is helpful to build that person up (Eph. 4:29).

But maybe what’s going through your head is … “I already know what this person is about to say.”

And maybe you do know what the other person is going to say. Perhaps you have a lot of experience addressing the feelings/issues this person is sharing. Or it can be driven by arrogance: you assume you know what the person is about to say. Or maybe you’ve heard this person tell you about the same problem many, many times.

“While counselors certainly recognize there are recurring themes in people’s lives and some common patterns in certain behaviors and problems,” shared marriage and family therapist Dr. Ramon Presson with CareLeader.org, “good counseling and good listening strive to hear and understand nuances.” We have to learn to enjoy the pleasure of understanding, which comes in large part by listening (Prov. 18:2).

2. I don’t need to prove my competence

Let’s say the wise pastor has just read a great book on the same issue the person is dealing with, or he’s recently walked through this experience with someone else and has excellent new insights, or perhaps he knows a fitting illustration about this very thing (people loved it in his last message). While it’s tempting to jump in and share what he’s learned, the wise pastor knows that listening well is more valuable—and demonstrates his competence better—than talking too much. Proverbs 10:19 says, “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.”

But maybe what’s going through your head is … “I need to demonstrate that I’m capable of helping.”

Perhaps you think you know just the right words to say to this person—you’ve recently read that great book, learned new insights, and know the perfect illustration—and maybe you can’t wait to share what you’ve learned and see the counselee’s eyes brighten in understanding and head nodding eagerly at your perfectly executed advice. We do want validation. We have insecurities. But we have to be careful not to use hurting people to validate ourselves! We are looking for God’s approval. We want Him to say, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” (Matt. 25:21).

3. I can reflect God’s character by listening

A wise pastor reflects God’s character. Dr. Larry Crabb shared, “I learned in my counseling experience that I don’t want to treat the patient; I want to be with a person. Here’s the important point: God says, ‘I’m going to be with you’—Immanuel, God with us—‘I’ll never leave you; I’ll never forsake you. I’m not going to solve your problems right now, but I’m going to be with you in the middle of them.’ Can I represent that kind of attitude when I’m sitting with the person I’m counseling?”1

But maybe what’s going through your head is … “I have a truth that will help this person.”

We know that people need the truth to be set free: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). We know that the Word changes people: “Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth” (John 17:17). We know that the Word is sufficient to help people with any problem they face: “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Tim. 3:16–17).

All this is true, but God listens to His people. “From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears” (Ps. 18:6b). “I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy” (Ps. 116:1). Consider, too, the book of Job, the psalms of lament, and the fact that God asks us to pray. He listens. You should too.

4. I can’t do this alone

The wise pastor recognizes that he can’t listen to everyone’s problems. He knows that as much as he would like to show care to his flock by giving individualized attention and personal care, he is only one person.

Even if his church is small, he realizes that he shouldn’t bear everyone’s burdens; it would be emotionally taxing. Plus, he knows that handling it alone would keep his church from operating the way God designed His church to work (Gal. 6:2; Eph. 4:11–12, 16; 1 Thess. 5:11; Exod. 18:13–26).

But maybe what’s going through your head is … “I’m the pastor—it’s my responsibility.”

Here’s the funny thing. You probably don’t have time to listen to everyone in great detail. So interrupting people, rushing them, makes sense on one level. But be careful not to take too much ownership of the idea that since you’re the pastor, it’s your responsibility to help everyone who comes in your door. You have to equip others to help you share the load. You have to teach others how to listen well. A helpful resource is Listening and Caring Skills in Ministry: A Guide for Groups and Leaders by John Savage.

Conclusion

We may have our reasons for not listening. But in light of Scripture they aren’t as persuasive.

Wise pastors listen.

To learn more about listening, be sure to read Jeff Forrey’s Confessions of a Poor Listener and Dr. Ramon Presson’s Pastoral Counseling Is Not a Game Show.

Sam Hodges
Sam Hodges
Managing Editor

Sam leads the CareLeader team. As a seminary-trained, ordained pastor, Sam knows firsthand a pastor’s desire to provide effective care to hurting people in the church and community. He directs and oversees CareLeader’s content, making sure the articles and videos equip pastors with information and ideas that are strategic, do-able, and consistent with Christ-centered, biblical care principles.

Sam also leads Church Initiative’s editorial team and has written and produced a number of Church Initiative’s video-based small group curriculums. They include GriefShare second and third editions (2006, 2014), DivorceCare third edition (2012), and Single & Parenting (2011). Sam is also coauthor of Grieving with Hope: Finding Comfort as You Journey Through Loss.

Sam graduated from Howard University with a bachelor of arts in communications. After that he received a master of divinity degree from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary with an emphasis in Christian education. Sam has also served on staff as a discipleship pastor at Infinity Church in Laurel, MD.

Kathy Leonard
Kathy Leonard
Editorial Director

As editorial director, Kathy upholds the editorial standards of the CareLeader.org text. Kathy is also a regular contributor to CareLeader.org. Over the past fifteen years, she has written a variety of care ministry and care ministry training materials for Church Initiative. Kathy’s writing and editorial work can be found in the leader’s guides and workbooks for GriefShare, DivorceCare, Single & Parenting, and Surviving the Holidays.

Through research and personal experience, she deeply understands the mind-set and concerns of hurting people. She is coauthor of Grieving with Hope: Finding Comfort as You Journey Through Loss, Through a Season of Grief: Devotions for Your Journey from Mourning to Joy, and DivorceCare 365 Daily Devotions.

Kathy graduated from the University of Maryland Asian Division with a bachelor’s degree in English. She and her husband, Tim, live in Palmyra, VA, and have three children: Jacob, Alanna, and Luke. She enjoys reading, dancing, cooking, and leading a ladies’ Bible study at her church.

Footnotes:

  1. Church Initiative interview with Dr. Larry Crabb, April 2013.

Filed Under: All Posts, Counseling & teaching

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