CareLeader

Strategic, Real-World Pastoral Care

  • Home
  • About
    • What is CareLeader.org?
    • Meet the Team
    • Statement of Faith
  • Products
  • FAQ
  • Contact
  • Privacy Policy
  • Search
You are here: Home / All Posts / Is your church a safe place for people who experience same-sex attraction?

Is your church a safe place for people who experience same-sex attraction?

May 5, 2016 by Brad Hambrick

Imagine if you attended a church where your life struggle was never mentioned as an area to receive care, and, if it was mentioned, your struggle was the adversarial portion of a culture war commentary. How would your week-to-week experience of church be different? How would you hear words like “community” or “family of God”?

For church leaders, step one is to realize that we already have church members who experience same-sex attraction (SSA). Just like those who are dealing with any other struggle, we should thank God for bringing them to our churches and ask God to help us serve them well.

Even if this happens not to be true, it is an important starting point so that you are not thinking about “those people” who are “out there.” If you don’t assume that your church already has individuals who experience SSA, then your church won’t be a safe place.

Think about it this way: what does it communicate when, by our silence, we assume no one in our church experiences same-sex attraction? The clear (hopefully unintended) message is “you don’t belong here and we don’t have anything for you.”

Loneliness is already one of the most difficult experiences for individuals who struggle with SSA. When these individuals feel like their struggle has to be a secret because, as a church, we offer them no indication we are open to conversation, much less friendship, we only magnify this loneliness. ­

Want more care-ministry articles like this one delivered to your inbox? Subscribe to the CareLeader Weekly Newsletter today.

So, what would change if we assumed some of our members or guests experienced SSA? I believe one of the first things that would change is that our motivation to learn about homosexuality would change from polemical and political to pastoral and personal. We would want to be able to get to know a person more effectively rather than make a point more persuasively.

That is why I wrote Do Ask, Do Tell, Let’s Talk: Why and How Christians Should Have Gay Friends. I want it to be a resource for churches—more specifically, individual Christians—who realize being an ambassador of Christ to every tribe, language, people, and nation (Rev. 5:9) is not just a mandate to proclaim the gospel to every geo-ethnic group on the planet, but to be ready to embody the gospel well to the various life experiences of every person we meet (1 Pet. 3:15).

Undoubtedly, this raises many questions:

  • Can an evangelical Christian develop these friendships without compromising the teaching of Scripture?
  • How can I have a good conversation that doesn’t devolve into something that feels like a debate?
  • How do I handle some of the personal discomforts that may arise and reveal areas of prejudice in me?
  • What if I accidentally say something offensive because I’ve not had many friendship conversations like this?
  • How do I start a friendship like this if someone has not already entrusted me with information regarding their struggle with same-sex attraction?
  • Can someone experience SSA and be a Christian? How much does becoming a Christian change one’s sense of attraction?
  • Is there a difference between same-sex attraction and embracing a gay identity? If so, how might the nature of our friendship change?
  • How do I develop a friendship with someone who experiences SSA and not have the subject of homosexuality dominate our conversations?
  • How do we navigate some of the difficult conversations that will undoubtedly arise?

A blog post is too brief of a forum to address all of these questions, but in the remainder of this post, I will offer a few suggestions for pastors and church members who want their churches to be safe places to discuss a struggle with SSA.1

  • Avoid crude humor about homosexuality. In general, Christians should abstain from humor on any topic that is rooted in shaming or mocking others. This falls short of God’s command, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 7:12 ESV).
  • Avoid utilizing stereotypes about the gay community. Utilizing stereotypes demonstrates laziness in our professed willingness to get to know people for who they really are. In the eyes of someone who experiences SSA, such laziness is very likely to disqualify you as a safe person to talk to.
  • In our sermons and lessons, we should include SSA in the list of things someone might be struggling with—just like lust, pride, loneliness, anger, or any other common sin. Just as importantly, our tone of voice when speaking of SSA should not communicate disgust, condescension, or perplexity.
  • Be careful how you characterize political positions. How you present the position you are against is at least as important as how you present the position you are for. To be trustworthy, you must represent fairly those you disagree with, neither vilifying them nor suggesting they are unworthy of compassion and understanding.
  • Don’t “out” someone. It is unwise to put someone on the spot with a question like, “Are you gay?” Even if you think you know, respect individuals’ right to disclose the information on their timetable. Nobody wants to live with a secret. If you prove yourself to be a safe person, they will want to talk sooner rather than later.
  • Speak sympathetically to the struggle of SSA. Humble statements can go a long way. “I can only imagine how hard it would be to experience unwanted same-sex attraction and feel caught in so many cultural debates. Trying to figure out whom to talk to might be as hard as anything else. That would be incredibly lonely.” A statement like this in social contexts where homosexuality is being discussed raises a flag of peace to be seen by those looking for a safe friend.
  • Study a book that discusses SSA with your small group (e.g., Do Ask, Do Tell, Let’s Talk). It may work best to first equip existing friends within your church. A small group that has learned to be a safe place for SSA conversations is an excellent beginning for a church, and an ideal place to invite someone who may experience SSA. It can give your friend a chance to see that your church may actually offer real community.

Most importantly, when you have the opportunity to become friends with someone who experiences SSA, invest in that friendship in at least three ways.2

First, have fun together. Mutual enjoyment is a good indicator that a friendship is not devolving into a project relationship. Mutual enjoyment builds memories and stories. Mutual enjoyment strengthens the relationship. And the stronger the relationship is, the less likely either of you will be to give offense or take offense. What the fun looks like will vary in every friendship, but try to see the fun for what it is—the mortar between the bricks, rather than merely the icing on the cake.

Second, go broad, not narrow. If SSA is the majority topic of conversation, your relationship will become more therapeutic or polemical than friendly. So spend the majority of your time talking about subjects other than SSA. This is how you make the friendship about life and shared interests, not about SSA as such. For example, if the two of you have this kind of discipleship relationship, study a book of the Bible together or a mutually relevant Christian book. Seek what God says about all of life together, not just SSA.

Third, allow your friend to speak into your life as well. The most effective way to gain the right to be heard is to listen. Particularly if your friend is a Christian, he has something to offer you. Even if not, your friend has a life experience that is different from yours and can offer a fresh perspective. You can learn much about how someone thinks by asking, “How do you see my situation? What would you do, and why?” Asking these kinds of questions will likely bless you and advance the friendship you want to build.

Sign up for your FREE newsletter!

CareLeader.org helps you provide biblical and compassionate pastoral care.
Brad Hambrick
Brad Hambrick

Brad Hambrick is pastor of counseling at The Summit Church in Durham, NC, and adjunct professor of biblical counseling at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary (SEBTS). He attended SEBTS, where he completed a master of divinity in biblical counseling and after that a ThM in applied theology. His books include God’s Attributes: Rest for Life’s Struggles. Brad is also a featured expert in the GriefShare and DivorceCare video programs.

Footnotes:

  1. These points are excerpts from chapters 1 and 6 of Do Ask, Do Tell, Let’s Talk.
  2. These points are excerpts from chapter 4 of Do Ask, Do Tell, Let’s Talk.

Filed Under: All Posts, Same-sex attraction, Sexual issues Tagged With: Brad Hambrick, counseling & preaching, fear of judgment, same-sex attraction

Latest Articles

How to restore broken marriages after an affair, part 1

By Dr. Les Carter

3 ways pastors can help women and families experiencing postpartum depression

By Robin Barnes

Pastoral care and refuge for rape victims

By Tory Flynn & Dr. Diane Langberg

How your pastoral limitations can bless your churches

By Dr. Zack Eswine

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

GriefShare equips lay people to care for grieving people

GriefShare is a powerful, Christ-centered grief recovery program. Created by the team that produces CareLeader.org, GriefShare features many of the experts who contribute to the CareLeader website. It also features the stories of over 75 everyday people who’ve applied biblical principles to heal from grief. Visit GriefShare.org/start and see more reasons why thousands of churches use GriefShare. And discover how GriefShare can equip your church to launch and sustain a proven care and outreach ministry.

Categories

  • About (1)
  • Addiction (2)
  • All Posts (255)
  • Boomers and senior adults (8)
  • Care Issues (23)
  • Emotional & mental health (25)
    • Discouragement & regret (5)
    • Suicide & self-harm (2)
    • Worry & anxiety (4)
  • Equipping leaders (19)
    • Care & counsel (14)
    • Ministry startup (1)
  • In This Together (3)
  • Marriage & other relationships (19)
    • Communication (3)
    • Conflict (2)
    • Infidelity, unfaithful spouse (4)
    • Premarital counseling (2)
  • Misc (7)
    • Job & finances (2)
  • Parenting (23)
    • Single parents (5)
  • Pastor's issues (83)
    • Care ministry administration (8)
    • Counseling & teaching (42)
    • Emotions (11)
    • Encouraging others (5)
    • Work/life balance (5)
  • Sexual issues (7)
    • Abuse (4)
    • Same-sex attraction (1)
  • Suffering & Grief (20)
    • Racism (3)
  • Theology of pastoral care (4)
  • Top posts (4)

How would you help them?

A woman wrestling with depression. A grieving teen. An anxious wife. A man battling chronic anger. Would you know how to minister to them?

Discover how CareLeader.org can help you provide biblical and compassionate pastoral care for struggling and hurting people in your church.

Welcome to CareLeader.org

We equip and inspire pastors and senior church leaders to provide strategic, real-world pastoral care, by delivering practical, biblically based encouragement and insights that have application for preaching, counseling, visitation, lay leader training, and outreach planning.

Sitemap

  • Home
  • About
    • What is CareLeader.org?
    • Meet the Team
    • Statement of Faith
  • Products
  • FAQ
  • Contact
  • Privacy Policy
  • Search

Categories

  • About
  • Addiction
  • All Posts
  • Boomers and senior adults
  • Care Issues
  • Emotional & mental health
    • Discouragement & regret
    • Suicide & self-harm
    • Worry & anxiety
  • Equipping leaders
    • Care & counsel
    • Ministry startup
  • In This Together
  • Marriage & other relationships
    • Communication
    • Conflict
    • Infidelity, unfaithful spouse
    • Premarital counseling
  • Misc
    • Job & finances
  • Parenting
    • Single parents
  • Pastor's issues
    • Care ministry administration
    • Counseling & teaching
    • Emotions
    • Encouraging others
    • Work/life balance
  • Sexual issues
    • Abuse
    • Same-sex attraction
  • Suffering & Grief
    • Racism
  • Theology of pastoral care
  • Top posts

© 2023 CareLeader · Rainmaker Platform